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No one said marriage was going to be easy, but do any of us fully understand what we’re getting into when we finally take the plunge? All relationships go through ups and downs, but the level of commitment of marriage means that sometimes those lows can feel bottomless, and that’s when some people may start looking for an escape route. Before you go there, take a step back and consider what made you commit to this person in the first place, what’s left, and what’s to come if you can figure out how to save your marriage.
If you find that you are in a difficult time in your relationship and you are looking for how to save your marriage, this is a good start. Apathy is the ultimate death blow to a relationship, so feeling the need to fix what went wrong and seeking guidance on how to save your marriage means there is still something worth saving.
Do a Pre Post-Mortem
The first step is to figure out what the heck is going on that makes you feel like you need to save your marriage! Have you and your loved ones had a major life event that pushed you further apart rather than closer? Has there been a breach of trust that divided the relationship? Did you two stop sharing your lives together and now just live next door to each other as glorified roommates?
Finding out what happened will be an important part of figuring out how to save your marriage, so take an honest look at your relationship history. Sometimes there is no “big event”, just year after year of drifting further and further apart, and knowing that is integral to figuring out how to approach saving your marriage. Working with a professional marriage counselor can be key to discovering what has brought you to this point.
Sometimes it can be really difficult to accept the role we have played ourselves in a difficult relationship, but there is always an action/response, and whether you are the actor or the one who responds, you are there too! For example, if you feel like your spouse is no longer sharing about their day, consider how you might change the way they ask questions and the way they listen.
Maybe you’ve inadvertently pointed out to them in the past that you didn’t have the time or head space to listen to them about their day, or maybe you weren’t interested in something that really mattered to them, and they no longer share to avoid that reaction. To counter this, you could take the lead, “so what’s going on in the office these days? I haven’t heard you mention anything in a long time, I miss hearing about your day!” Keep it light and consistent and chances are they’ll respond in kind. When we change our own behavior, the responses we get are likely to change as well.
If you are looking for how to revive your relationship, you may need to put some effort into connecting with your spouse again. I’ve written before about staying connected in a relationship, and there are plenty of things you can do to reconnect while trying to save your marriage.
Intentional effort is key here, so work on reinforcing communication skills and speaking in your partner’s love language, show them how special they are to you with planned date nights, romance, and relationship routines, and most of all, pay Pay attention to who your spouse is these days. What do they really want? right now? What is the most important thing for them? Connect with them as they are nownot who they were when they met.
assume the best
Many of us like to believe that we are capable of reading minds when it comes to our spouses, but in reality we are not! In fact, I would go so far as to say that the vast majority of the big fights my husband and I had were because one of us assumed that we know what the other person is “really” saying or what he “really” meant by this or that, but the truth is that no!
In fact, if you commit to assuming the best in your marriage, you will find that even things that were said sarcastically or with a hidden message no longer land that way and because they were received differently from you, they will not inspire. the same answer and any pattern that used to exist will be broken. It may not feel natural the first few times you do it, but keep at it; Over time, your partner will likely catch on, and you may find that they rise to the occasion with a change of their own.
Find the fun again
After years of marriage spent dealing with daily responsibilities, it’s not uncommon to wake up one day and realize that there isn’t much fun left. You can find the fun again by prioritizing a little playtime together, whether it’s goofing around during daily tasks like cooking, cleaning, and running errands or going somewhere for intentional fun.
If you really want to up the fun level, try something completely new for both of you! Having new experiences together is a great way to reconnect and fall in love again, plus a romantic weekend in a new place increases intimacy because traveling as a couple has been found to strengthen relationships and improve sex life. If you want to save your marriage, try to make it more fun for both of you.
Work with a professional
When I have a medical problem, I see a doctor. When my car makes a strange noise, I see a mechanic. If my marriage has issues that are so complex that I’m Googling “how to save my marriage,” I would see a marriage counselor.
I am a huge fan of therapy, and my husband and I have attended couples therapy many times because there is simply no substitute for an educated, neutral third party who can help a couple resolve personal biases to get to the root of a conflict. trouble. They are trained professionals who can help people navigate any conflict they have with tools and advice for a stronger, stronger, and healthier marriage. If you consider your marriage to be one of the most important relationships in your life, why would you do it yourself when you could see a professional?
Embrace the evolution of marriage
When someone begins to think that they need to save their marriage, sometimes they could be trying to save what came before instead of accepting the evolution of the relationship. No one stays the same and neither do relationships, so it can sometimes be the case that people assume the marriage is struggling when in reality it’s just the people in the marriage struggling with change.
If you can embrace the ways you both have grown since the beginning of the relationship, you may find that you both can grow together, and even if the relationship is never the same again, it can become an even stronger, more solid, and even better relationship. more solid. fresher version that reflects the growth you two have had personally and together; marriage 2.0, maybe?
A healthy marriage should be healthy for everyone involved, so if you’re looking for ways to save a marriage that’s unhealthy for one or both parties, it might help to take a step back and reevaluate the relationship entirely. Relationships change just like people do, and if a relationship has become a point of pain and conflict and is now something that is holding people back instead of helping them be their best selves, then I personally think the most healthy, kind and rational is to do could be to separate.
However, if you and yours are still committed to finding ways to save your marriage, I wish you the best and hope your relationship is full of love, life, and laughter as you navigate through the tough times together.
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Kendra Paulson is the writer behind Has Baggage, Still Travels content on IG and FB, where she creates original content to cultivate the best of ourselves. She loves to travel and explore new places with her husband and her two sons, which is good because her military family moves every two years to a new place for a new adventure. A mix of everywhere she’s lived, Kendra likes to think she brings a little taste of the plains Midwest, coastal Southeast, desert Southwest and lush Hawaiian Islands to everything she works on. .