How to know if your partner is lying about infidelity? On the one hand, you have this feeling that something is not right. But another voice inside your head tells you that maybe you’re just overthinking and being paranoid.
In such cases, you may end up feeling like Sherlock Holmes, trying to investigate and analyze every move your partner makes. But, spoiler alert! You are not Cumberbatch. You don’t have a trench coat and you don’t play the violin. You don’t have a Watson, so you definitely need some expert advice to help you figure out if your partner is lying about cheating or not.
To shed more light on the things cheaters lie about, we spoke with emotional well-being and mindfulness coach Pooja Priyamvada (certified in Mental Health and Psychological First Aid from the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health and the University of Sydney). ). She specializes in counseling for extramarital affairs, breakups, separation, grief, and loss, to name a few.
How to know if your partner is lying about cheating? 9 expert tips
The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” White lies in relationships not only break trust and faith, they are also hard to catch in the first place.
As Pooja points out, “poker faces are often experienced liars. It is almost impossible to catch these types of liars who lie with a straight face.” So how do you know if your partner is lying about being unfaithful? Here are some expert tips:
1. Evasive body language
According to Pooja, “Avoidive body language is a sure sign of compulsive deception and lying. They will avoid eye contact, fiddle, fumble, and try to make some excuses.” People’s lips turn pale and their faces turn white/red when they lie.
Related reading: 13 Sure Signs Someone Is Lying To You Over Text
How to know if your partner is lying about infidelity? Do you notice hesitation in your partner’s speech? Or watch them blink rapidly or break a sweat as they try to come up with a believable story to cover their tracks? Or watch them exaggerate a simple story? Paying close attention to their body language (such as their voice suddenly breaking or becoming high-pitched) can be one way to tell if your partner is lying.
2. They give too many details or are vague
How to know if your partner is lying about infidelity? Well, liars can be great storytellers. They will paint an elaborate picture for you and wrap you in the little details of their stories. They will describe everything so thoroughly that it will be incomprehensible to you that they can lie in such detail.
On the other hand, some cheaters get very vague about details in an attempt to hide their lies. They can evade questions or change the subject. If your partner gets defensive when you ask questions like “Where have you been?”, it could be one of the signs that he is lying when confronted or that she is being evasive to avoid getting caught.
But why would someone go to such lengths to lie? They may be thrill seekers or want to explore what non-monogamy feels like. Also, in their head, one of the warning traits of serial cheaters is that they develop defense mechanisms to convince themselves. For example, “It’s not like I’m having an extramarital affair. It’s just sex outside of a relationship.”
Another possible reason could be that they are still carrying the trauma of their past abusive relationships and feel like they are sabotaging themselves the moment intimacy starts to overwhelm them. This could be the result of an avoidant attachment style.
3. Now protect devices
Cherly Hughes writes in her book, Lovers and Beloved, “The truly frightening thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones.” But how do you get to these undiscovered lies?
Related reading: 12 signs of a lying spouse
How to know if your partner is lying about infidelity? Have you suddenly started password protecting your devices? Is your phone always kept face down? Are you going to a corner to pick up some calls? Do they get defensive and angrily say, “How dare you look at my email?”
If the answer to the above questions is yes, it is very likely that you are caught in the middle of the lies that cheaters tell. Cheaters not only protect your devices, but also certain places. For example, “Don’t bother coming to my work anymore” or “Hey, this is my man/woman cave. Don’t touch anything here and respect my privacy.”
4. How to know if your partner is lying about infidelity? gas lighting
The word “gaslighting” brings us back to the lyrics of a famous Sam Smith song, “You say I’m crazy, because you don’t think I know what you’ve done. But when you call me baby, I know I’m not the only one.”
How do you know if you’re the ‘only one’ or not? What are the signs that he is lying when confronted or that she is cooking up another story to keep you from getting to the truth? A lying partner will make you feel that something is wrong with you. Or he will accuse you of being paranoid and say things like, “That’s amazing! Why are you so insecure? Why can’t you just trust me?
How to know if your partner is lying about infidelity? They will make everything about ‘you’. You will begin to question your sanity. They will manipulate you to such an extent that you will begin to doubt yourself. Therefore, gaslighting in relationships is a classic tactic used during compulsive cheating and lying.
5. Lost time
How to know if your partner is lying about infidelity? Pooja replies, “There will be a lot of unaccounted for time on your schedule. To avoid having to explain where they were during this time, they would act distant or shower you with expensive gifts for no reason.”
If you see them working overtime or coming home late most nights because they were “helping a friend in crisis,” it could be one of the classic lies that cheaters tell. If this behavior is new or recent, there is definitely something fishy going on.
6. How to know if your partner is lying about infidelity? altered behaviors
How do you know if someone is lying about cheating on a text message? Suddenly, you realize they’re saying “I love you” more often or sending you cheesy text messages. How are most matters discovered? Sometimes, due to guilt, a person behaves more lovingly to make up for her lies. And that’s how he/she ends up getting caught.
What is the way to know if your partner is lying? Notice changes in behaviors. Dress better or have a new hairstyle as if to impress someone? Or is he distancing himself when it comes to your family and friends?
Other signs of a cheating partner could be acting withdrawn, less affectionate, and uninterested in future plans. Also, a cheater is constantly distracted, picks unnecessary fights, and feels guilty/anxious all the time. He may stop discussing finances with you (to avoid having to explain himself about the money spent on his clandestine date) and may even have new hobbies that exclude you.
Related reading: How to regain confidence after cheating: 12 ways according to an expert
7. Change in the behaviors of your friends or family
There are many things cheaters lie about. But at the same time, they are also honest with at least one other person about their deception. It may be that you rely on your best friend to help you cope with the guilt that weighs you down. Or maybe their brother or cousin covers for them when needed.
How to know if your partner is lying about infidelity? Observe the behaviors of your close friends or family members. Are they treating you different? Are they uncomfortable around you? Or do they avoid you or show negative emotions towards you? If the answer is yes, you may already know the uncomfortable truth.
8. Expresses dissatisfaction with the relationship
To understand cheating, we have to understand how cheaters feel about themselves. So what is the psychology behind cheating and lying? Pooja replies, “The psychology behind cheating and lying is to have my cake and eat it too. To keep the relationship stable and have something to do on the sidelines.” Maybe, the good parts of your relationship are so good that your partner can’t leave, but when it comes to hard times, they find ways to escape.
Apart from wanting to have the best of both worlds, the feeling of dissatisfaction in the relationship could be one of the reasons behind his infidelity. How to know if your partner is lying about infidelity? Look for the indirect signs. Do you constantly complain about how exhausting your relationship is? Are they satisfied with physical intimacy?
this reminds me of the movie marriage story, that captures the various complexities of infidelity. There’s a scene where Nicole confronts Charlie about her cheating and he says, “You shouldn’t be upset that I fucked her. You should be upset that I laughed with her!”
9. How to know if your partner is lying about infidelity? little lies
How to know if your partner is lying about infidelity? Little lies are the initial red flags. Little lies often lead to big lies in relationships. He told you he doesn’t watch porn but one fine day you caught him doing it? Or did he tell you that he quit smoking but you could smell it on his shirt while he was doing the laundry?
If you notice the small instances of dishonesty, remember that they are not that small. Also, what do you do when those little lies turn into big lies, like cheating? Pooja replies, “Confront them with the truth. That’s the only way to deal with this. Also, take notes. False stories often contradict each other.”
Related reading: How to deal with a lying husband?
When facing a cheater, make sure you pick the right time and place. Also, make sure you have the evidence in his/her place and approach him/her in a calm and neutral manner. Also, be mentally prepared for them to deny your accusations.
Finally, infidelity is traumatizing and can cause a serious dent in self-esteem and lifelong trust issues. Dealing with something like this requires healing on a deeper level. Seeking professional help becomes the need of the hour in such cases. Our Bonobology panel advisers like Pooja Priyamvada can help you with this.
Avoiding eye contact, fiddling with things, touching your face, covering your mouth could be some of the non-verbal expressions that denote lying.
This can range from becoming outright aggressive to being in complete denial. One of the shocking things cheaters say when confronted is, “It was just physical, not emotional. Was nothing. It meant nothing to me. The other woman/man seduced me.”
Not really, cheating in an already messy relationship won’t work. However, you can confront them with facts like pictures, logs of conversations, meetings, etc. if you have them
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