… And why it is more overwhelming for a couple than arguing.
During the several years that I have practiced therapy, I have observed that couples struggling with their relationships often succumb to the default mode of silence. From time to time, it is one person who gives in to the unspoken and, sometimes, it is each one. In either circumstance, such silence, no longer a healthy pause or meditative spoil, speaks to the absence of verbal and emotional intimacy. Unless we are able to speak in stages of ESP or body language, words are the best equipment available to us for speaking, much less clearing up our problems. “Why silence is a courtship killer”
There is little point in being in a relationship and resorting to silence. Now, not only does it sabotage a healthy couple’s lifeline, it stifles their expressive needs.
While you can express what you feel, the moment you experience it, you are much less likely to act on that feeling. Difficult emotions that move unexpressed tend to seep and spill over: they face their own strength, and the next war hours or days later may also have little correlation to the original emotional insult. While this is happening, there is little danger of being tested, as there may be little correspondence between your hurt feelings and the interruption of the moment.
Telling someone you’re outraged and explaining why you’re doing it will mostly cut through the reactive country of being irritated or acting angry. Furthermore, non-verbalization and suppression of their emotions will, over time, result in a great deal of resentment, with the behavior we would expect. In the event that you are not providing your deluded emotions, there is a great opportunity for you to be expressing them, in any variety of unrelated focuses. Having achieved it, you now become the problem in the eyes of your partner, and have entered a bad spiral of silence and battle.
silence is control
As we think of controlling human beings, we often conjure up pictures of loud or aggressive people. In fact, they can appear to intimidate and control others. However, we realize precisely what we are dealing with. There are no surprises. There is a much more insidious type of manipulation, but it is based on silence. When we don’t share our minds with each other, we often do so to govern the other’s reactions and behavior. In the event that they don’t know what we’re considering, they probably won’t be able to answer. Sometimes people who are inclined to thrill others or avoid disagreement fall prey to this dilemma. The trend is to opt for silence instead of the dissatisfied alternative birthday celebration.
As we dwell in silence, we create an internal monologue, commonly attributing to others our projection of how we assume they might respond if we virtually share our thoughts with them. In other sentences, we represent a complete script in which its function is predetermined. In doing so, we are locked in a country of stagnation, the verbal exchange stagnates, and the connection has little chance to adapt. Under such conditions, it frequently wilts. There is really no chance of resolution, not to mention growth.
At other times, silence is used to punish. With the help of running away from connection, silence becomes a medium for anger, further obstructing the possibility of decision. In such cases, silence is hired to govern the behavior of the alternative. It silences our thoughts and feelings and deprives us of the potential to speak properly. There may be no chance of resolution. The silence on those occasions is completely non-participatory.
In addition to becoming an obvious obstacle to the adequacy of the connection, silence can lead to depression and depression. I am no longer referring to the healthy breaks of the contemplative specular image, but to the chronic war that the human being has to express his feelings. Silence chokes the breath of dating. The manipulative silence is the defeat of the soul; the expression of the voice of 1 is the declaration of life.
Those who are silent by default can also say, “They really listened” or “they’ll just throw it in my back and I don’t want to fight.” Although this thought may be understandable, it is much more self-injurious. We invalidate ourselves when we close our own joint. Fortunately, we should not get caught up in the struggle with silence, as we can improve our chances of being heard on such occasions. Leaning in the way of being heard is an acquired skill.
This newsletter is an excerpt from Mel’s recently published book, The Opportunity Principle: How Quantum Physics Can Improve the Way You Think You Learn, Live, and Love.
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